Thursday, April 5, 2012

I will never forget April 5th, 2011

I will never forget those calls - when I attempted frantically to reach my husband and find out what was happening to our son.

I will never forget being told to go straight to the hospital.

I will never forget being immediately escorted to the emergency rooms.

I will never forget seeing a room full of white coated doctors and realizing they were working frantically over my son's body.

I will never forget my heart sinking, hearing, "you must be his mother," and being wisked away to a nearby holding room.

I will never forget the agonizing pain and loneliness of that little room.

I will never forget our friend who came to that room, prayed with us, and helped us make sense of everything.

I will never forget those moments.

I will never forget the doctors. The rooms before surgery. The uncertainty. The confusion. The pain. The anguish.

I will never forget.

I will never forget the people who came to sit with us. Words were not needed - the love was there.

I will never forget the outpouring of love.

I will never forget his precious body - so many things attached to his body - and a machine breathing his life into him as he fought to come back.

I will never forget the nurses working tirelessly to keep his medications on track while telling me how adorable my little boy was. If only they knew him before this.

I will never forget the PICU floor - how many precious lives were being fought for, and sometimes gone in an instant. I was there, and it hurt.

I will never forget the rules. Not sleeping with my husband. Leaving my son alone in his room 2 hours a day for shift changes. Just thinking of the other rules makes me sick.

I will never forget the nights I was able to rest, but awoke to realize I had missed bath time or a doctor's visit. Those are things moms are supposed to do. But all I could do was watch.

I will never forget the people who visited us, fed us, cared for Michael, and prayed for us. We couldn't handle it alone. The outpouring of love kept us strong.

I will never forget:

Daily x-rays.
Watching the purple line on the ventilator - Christopher breathing on his own!
Holding my baby for the first time after the dreadful 1st week and knowing he was going to be ok.
Moving to a 'regular' hospital room on Valentine's Day.
Playing with Christopher in a hospital bed.
Coaxing Christopher to eat again.
Visits from his sweet big brother, Michael.
Missing his sweet big brother, Michael.
Living with the family separated (2 at the hospital and 2 at home).
Watching our marriage, family, and jobs slowly fall apart as the days stretched on.
FINALLY getting the approval to GO HOME!
Ending our 21 grueling days in the hospital with a special zoo trip!
Weeks of throwing up, continued doctor's visits, and no answers.
Finding out there would be a second surgery.
Feeling like our life was still in shambles - how could we do it again?
Crying on my assistant principal's shoulder. Weak. How could we do it again?
That Thursday night ---- the throw up was different.
Going back to the hospital just days before the scheduled surgery.
Telling the ER doctors - I will NOT settle with going home. He is NOT ok.
Feeling relieved that a doctor finally agreed with me and called our surgeon.
Somehow getting the exact same ER room where I had seen so many doctors around my son before.
Staying in that room all night watching Wall-e and holding Christopher tight.
Finally getting the go ahead for surgery.
Making a 6 am trip to my job to tie up loose ends before surgery.

I will never forget the person who sat with us during that second surgery and when the doctors told us it was worse than we thought. I knew he was ok this time, but I still cried.

I will never forget the strength God gave us to get through it again.

I will never forget the Peace - a peace that passeth understanding.

I will never forget anything from those dreadful 2 months, but I will cling to the love and support so many family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and even strangers gave us.

I will never forget April 5th, 2011, when my son came home HEALTHY.

and I will never forget God's goodness, grace, mercy, power, peace, joy, strength, and love.

Because God is good and he has changed me for the better.

I am blessed beyond measure.

{ <>< } Stacy